Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Feeling useless.

Every winter I have the same issue. I feel useless. I keep whining that no one needs me. It's like 3-month period. Non stop. I feel like nothing will ever change.
Okay, I don't know if anyone ever reads this, but whatever.
It's one of those things that keeps you bugging from inside. During the day when you're with people, you are fine and stuff, but then you go to bed and THIS COMES<<<. A huge earthquake of thoughts. You think about all your fails, about all your chances that you've lost, you start judging yourself like you've killed a hundred of people.
People say you should take it easier, you should let it go. BUT EXCUSE YOU, how can I do it if my whole body wonders if I've done right choices.

I don't regret anything. Almost. There's one thing. I regret that I stepped away when I shouldn't. Maybe it wouldn't change anything, but at least I would know now that I did everything possible.
That's why now I think it's better do it than to just let your opportunity go.
But the other half of me is afraid that I'm too much. Like I want to mean too much to other people, and they barely want me in their life. I'm pretty sure if I disappeared no one would notice. If I stopped calling, people wouldn't even care. Which is fine. Yeah, it's totally fine. Aha, sure. Who are you lying to?
I wonder with how many I was ACTUALLY sincere? Let me count. I'm not sure. 2? 3? not more. I've noticed that when I say that someone knows almost everything bout me, it means that they know everything about my life, but they do not know what's going on inside of me. No one really know. Neither do I. I wish I did. I would probably tell to some people everything if they just asked me. But they don't. And it's fine, cuz they would definitely run away from my cockroaches.

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